It happened again three times in clinic today. In the middle of a patient visit, a parent picked up their cell phone. To answer a call, to text a friend, to read their email. The trend of being always connected and available has reached the exam room. When this first started happening I was sort of incredulous. I mean, I’m there, talking to you about your child’s health, and you’re taking a call?
Then something interesting happened. I got a smart phone, and I started to get more connected myself. I downloaded a few apps. And, it was great. I could read my email or the newspaper anytime. I could use the phone during a clinic visit to check a drug dose or potential side effect. Eventually, and here’s the confession part, I found myself start to be sort of drawn to the phone. I pull it out while waiting in line at the post office. I take it out of my pocket at work to use the calculator and suddenly find that my email is open and I am reading it. This seems to happen as if all on its own. I have to close it, remember what I was doing, and move on. I even sometimes have to consciously stop myself from grabbing the phone while driving.
MIT Professor Sherry Turkle’s book Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other describes how technology impacts relationships quite a lot, including that of parent and child. She describes a woman Skyping with her grandmother. All the while she is talking, she is also writing emails, and admits that she ends the conversation feeling “guilty and confused”. This is not surprising given recent evidence that humans are actually very poor multi-taskers. What we are actually doing is “serial tasking”, a process that is inefficient and ineffective. We may think we are getting more done, but we are likely doing each task less well. This certainly has implications for how well we take care of children.
Turkle suggests that, for some, technology is even more than a simple distraction. During the course of her research, she states, “I was meeting people, many people, who found online life more satisfying than what some derisively called “RL”, that is, real life. Digital connections [. . .] may offer the illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship.” How might this impact the child/parent relationship? I have had a few parents of very young infants lately describe them as “cry babies” or “demanding”, despite a history that would suggest that the infant is normal for their age and that they are crying when they have biological needs that need meeting. Babies are sometimes described as being “good” when they are content to be propped in front of a television for long periods. Could it partly be that technology is somehow changing our expectation of what is normal, and that we now expect children not to “need” us as much?
Yet, it is not all bad news when it comes to the impact of digital technology and the on-line world on our relationships and our children. Clay Shirky, in his book Here Comes Everybody: The Power of Organizing Without Organizations, describes again and again how the internet, in the age of twitter and facebook, can mobilize a group for an important cause with an ease and speed never before imaginable. Technology brings us closer together with family members who are geographically distant (as long as we’re not simultaneously emailing someone else). And, it provides unbelievable access to information. As a pediatrician, I can keep myself up to date with the latest journal articles and see what is important to fellow pediatricians and parents quite easily. Parents can find answers to questions about how to care for their children or support from other families in real-time.
But, I can tell you this. When a parent uses their cell phone during a visit, it not only distracts them, it distracts me. Instead of thinking about whether the growth curves look okay, I might be thinking about whether or not or how to ask them not to use the phone. I might be partially calculating doses for medications and partially distracted by their conversation. And, I don’t think most parents want their pediatrician distracted in this way while taking care of their child. I certainly don’t. Just as, I’m sure, my son would prefer I give him my full attention at the playground, instead of reading tweets.
So, I’m going to make a pledge here in writing. I won’t use my phone while checking out at the grocery store. I’ll leave it inside when I take my son out to play. I will enjoy and learn from all of the wonderful connections and information the internet has to offer. But, I’ll do it at the right times. When it is time to take care of my child, or yours, I’ll step away from the cell phone.
In what ways (positive and/or negative) is digital technology and the on-line world impacting your real world relationship with your children?
Yes! So well said. Thank you.
Great post! True, the iPhone/smartphones make it more appealing and easier to be connected. I think whatever comes our way balance can be achieved. The great things about being connected should not go over the top as to hinder ‘real life’ connections with people. Active listening, being there for your friends, children can be hindered not only by your phone but by the TV, newspaper or whatever is stressing you out at the time. Even if we don’t have the latest smart phone it is a challenge to be active listening to people in real life. Maybe the overabundance of digital connections will make us appreciate the ‘real life’ connections more! This is a great read! Insightful!
I hope you are right that we will start to appreciate the ‘real life’ connections more. Thanks for reading!
It is a double-edged sword. I enjoy being connected, accessible, having information close at hand; both for myself & my kids (no need to haul out the dictionary or a map). But it can become addictive & a distraction… and I tend to give importance to things I read/see online that, perhaps, exceeds their actual value.
One of the most important factors to good parenting, good living, really, is being present. In the moment. The lightning-fast escapism allowed by modern technology really has a great potential to impair the (my) ability to be present – with my kids & with myself.
It’s so true- whether the distraction is technology or other things, it all really comes down to being present in the moment. Thanks so much for reading and for sharing.
Brilliant post, it is so easy to hide in the world of the internet – but then you miss out on all the wonderful world around you has to offer.
Wow, thanks so much. I’m going to savor that “brilliant”. It will keep me going, working on the next post. 🙂 Thanks for following.
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