Vulnerable

It’s when I’m putting my son to bed at night that I feel it most acutely. Smelling his hair. Watching him breathe. It overwhelms me. There’s a name for what I’m feeling. Vulnerable.

Absolute and total vulnerability. Vulnerability that comes from a love so profound it cannot be described. I think, no one told me about this part of parenting. But then I think that even if they had I wouldn’t have understood. Heart on my sleeve isn’t the half of it.

It’s a terrifying thing, this vulnerability. To have so much of yourself wrapped up in another person. To have them walking around out there in the world every day and feel like a huge piece of your heart is out there with them. Imagining the worst. Mind running wild.

Yet, Brené Brown writes,

“We must allow ourselves to be seen. Deeply seen. And vulnerably seen. We must allow ourselves to love with our whole hearts. Even though there is no guarantee. And to practice gratitude and joy, even in those moments of fear and when we are wondering, “Can I love you this much?” because to feel vulnerable means you are alive.”

So, I must lean in to the fear. Rejoice in the wholehearted vulnerability. And I do. I really have no choice.

Because it is an awesome thing, this vulnerability. This connection. This absolute gift. Our kids deserve our best. And my best is open, loving, flawed, vulnerable.

I think maybe the vulnerability is actually the whole point. The feeling things. The loving as deeply as we can for as long as we can. Maybe some day I’ll wrap my head around that. For tonight I’ll just smell his hair, and watch him breathe, and feel. Vulnerable.

Helping Young Kids Adjust to a Move

7736032314_5c69699f36_qIt’s funny, growing up I didn’t really move at all. I lived in the same house in a small midwestern town from age 2 to 18. But, since leaving home for college I’ve had my share of moves. Seventeen different abodes in now three states. I didn’t really mean to turn into a nomad, it just sort of happened. You get pretty good at paring down belongings and change of address notifications. Continue reading

Sleep, Mama, Sleep

IMG_1658When my son was an infant (and not the greatest sleeper), we’d rock and listen to lullabies. We listened to one CD so many times that many of the songs are seared into my brain. I remember one song in particular. “Sleep, baby, sleep. It is time to close your eyes.” I’d sing along, willing the words to come true. Continue reading

A Doctor’s Heart

photo (1)In just a few days I’ll be leaving the clinic where I’ve practiced pediatrics for the past six years. The last months have been a flurry of last visits with families, paperwork, and tying up loose ends. There have been many, many goodbyes. I’ve been deeply moved by the expressions of gratitude and affection that many families have shared with me. It seems it is always in these times of change and endings that we are most open with each other. Continue reading

Book Review: Mama Doc Medicine

mama doc medicineFirst a disclosure- I am an unabashed fan of Dr. Wendy Sue Swanson, aka Seattle Mama Doc. I have long followed her blog and twitter feed and so appreciate her work. A pediatrician and mom, she writes clear, evidence-based blog posts in an open and transparent manner. She has an unmatched ability to break down emerging science around child health into relatable, practical tips. I’m excited to report that her book, Mama Doc Medicine, combines many of her best blog posts with new information creating a fantastic new resource for parents and all who care for kids.

Continue reading

Copy and Paste Medicine

I’ve been working with the latest electronic medical record (EMR) for almost a year now. You know the one. There are many positive changes, to be sure. It has helped me more than a few times with calculating doses for kids’ medications. I can now easily check in on my patients’ progress when they are admitted to the hospital. And, of course, the notes are far more legible.

But what do the notes actually tell me? Sadly, sometimes, not much. Continue reading

The Perils of Distracted Driving

distracteddrivingI gotta say, the daily commute has been feeling a bit hairy lately. Seems like I’m passing accidents more frequently. Watching a bit more weaving. I can’t be sure that it’s all related to distracted driving, but sure seems like a lot of it is. Every day I witness drivers looking down at phones at stoplights, missing the change to green. I even saw a smartphone mounted to one car’s driver side dash and the driver scrolling through websites during rush hour traffic on the freeway. Scary stuff. Continue reading

3 Words for 2014. Focus. Accept. Sleep.

IMG_1401Over the past few years, in leiu of goal-oriented New Year’s resolutions, I’ve chosen words to serve as a guide for my year. Inspired by a few writers I admire, I’ve found this practice to be very meaningful for me. And setting it in writing here on the blog last year was quite powerful. I found that the words Decide, Attend, and Play stayed in the fore throughout the year. I went back to the post a number of times to gauge how I was doing. And, although I can’t say I always succeeded in meeting my own expectations, I do think that setting these intentions did affect the flow of my year. So, here are my words for 2014. Continue reading